Monday, March 3, 2014

My pregnancy spirit animal is the bulldog

Here's what's up with me:

Week 38. DUN DUN DUN!  My various phone apps have stopped giving me new information every just recycles old info because so many people have had their kids already.  But not me.  We want to shoot for at least 39 weeks to make sure all the brains get juiced up and ready to rock and roll.  But the story of my own birth is as follows:

It was a hot California May and Laura was due to be born May 10th.  June 6th rolls around, and so does a heat wave.  Finally, my poor mother went into labor that continued for MANY HOURS (June 7, the glorious day of my birth arrived) until they determined that I would have to dragged out of that cozy uterus via C-section.  So I was from my mother's womb untimely ripped as MacDuff would say...untimely my giant baby butt.  I was 9 lbs 8 oz and the doctors said "She's the most alert baby we've ever seen!" (they told my mother my sister was "the most beautiful" but fine).  

I do not want to follow in my own footsteps.  Here's hopin' for a bday on any of the following days:
Any time on or after March 7.  Before March ends omg.  Special preference for pi day, the ides of March (actual due date), or even St. Patty's.  Really, once we hit St. Patty's, I'm gonna be reaaaaaaal crank city.

My pregnancy spirit animal is the bulldog.

This picture describes how I feel most of the time: stout, squishy, and sleepy.

Sometimes I'm also wearing glasses (because pregnancy makes your eyesight bad...which is another one of those weird things).

Also this sounds really good to me right now.  I really like ice.  And I'm always hot and sweaty.  Bulldogs are known to overheat easily.  

How wikipedia describes bulldogs: "There are generally thick folds of skin on a Bulldog's brow; round, black, wide-set eyes; a short muzzle with characteristic folds called rope above the nose; hanging skin under the neck; drooping lips and pointed teeth, and occasionally an underbite."

I have some of that, yeah.  I mean...I really just have the skin under the neck...

BUT I TOTALLY SOUND LIKE A BULLDOG.  Especially last week when I had a cold and Booberry's BUTT was where my stomach used to be.  Many people have remarked on the impressive depth of my breathing.  The Doctor actually went and slept in the guest room last night.  WE'RE ONE OF THOSE COUPLES NOW...He did do a hilarious impersonation of my wheeze/snore.  It sounds like a goose to me.  He described it as, "a tauntaun f@%$ing a wookiee."  I'm too sexy for my lungs.  Wikipedia quote, "They can be big snorters and heavy breathers, and they tend to be loud snorers."  I had to look up how to spell tauntaun and wookiee because I'm cool and don't know every little thing about Star Wars.  

Wikipedia also says that bulldogs cannot withstand the rigors of running.  That's true of me.  Bulldogs and I also have hip problems in common...and I was also delivered by C-section...but we are hoping Booberry will not be...but if she be it.  TRUST THE WESTERN MEDICINE.  

People keep asking me if I'm ready.  Well, sure.  I mean...I have all the stuff...that seems to be the criteria for readiness.  

We also took the childbirth preparation classes.  The Doctor hated them with the fire and passion of a thousand suns, describing the teacher as, "that midwife shooting granola out her vagina."  I'm gonna go ahead and not put that on the official class survey I got in my email.  I mean, yeah, she was SUPER anti-epidural even though everyone in the room kept asking questions about epidurals so clearly she should tell us about the drugs without insinuating that we're making bad life choices...and yeah she was a terrible public speaker and talked SO SLOWLY and made us watch a lot of videos of natural childbirths that make me cry.  And, yeah, we didn't really learn anything we didn't already know from my phone app and as The Doctor kept saying, "I KNOW THIS STUFF I'M A DOCTOR" (YOU'RE A DENTIST, SWEETIE..."delivering a crown" is the not the same as delivering a human).  But my level of anxiety is so high and my level of information retention is so low that I think it was helpful to hear it, even though the information was delivered extremely slowly and with a significant bias against everything I believe about childbirth and modern medicine. 

If nothing else, the class made it seem like maybe we are ready.  Because clearly the Doctor is ready to perform a solo c-section on me at a moment's notice because HE'S A DOCTOR AND DOESN'T NEED THIS INFORMATION.  And clearly I'm ready because I installed the car seat base in the Subaru and have all the clothes organized by size and type of tiny cute baby thing...

I mean, really, it doesn't matter if we're ready.  It's on Booberry now.  We're placing our entire lives at the mercy of something I'M REALLY HOPING weighs less than Ruby.


Now's good.  Or later.  But be READY!  And something about a sparrow.  THANKS, HAMLET.


  1. I loved reading all this stuff, and I am hoping you give me a birthday present... March 16!!!

  2. thats right, i was a beautiful baby! thanks to my very round head from not being squeezed out of mom's vag ;)