Thursday, March 24, 2016

The Sequel

You know how sequels are just like the original but with MORE EXPLOSIONS and the same basic jokes and they’re usually more expensive but not better?  Yeah.  That’s how this pregnancy is…

Issue: morning sickness
Original: puked twice.  Roughly weeks 11 and 15.  Not a big deal.  Just vitamin.
Sequel: 6 weeks.  Puked more than ever in my life.  Took anti-nausea meds for 10 more weeks. Lost 10 lbs.  Most fun diet ever. 

Issue: heartburn
Original: had heartburn, whined.  Took drugs.  Went away.
Sequel: heartburn came on SO STRONG the minute I stopped being morning sick that I went to lie down and surprise threw up stomach acid.  Took drugs.  Went mostly away. 

NOTE: No more vomit in this post I promise. 

Issue: footies.
Original: See post about my plantar.
Sequel: Tuesday, Alice’s bday, I was carrying her down some stairs and, at the bottom, I just straight up stepped on the side of my foot and it went POP and I got a grade 2 sprain which I paid a $15 copay to hear after Dr. Google told me that’s what I had.  I walk like a Walking Dead extra, but it is healing. 

Issue: old lady hip pain
Original: started at week 39.  SUCKED.
Sequel: started at week 20.  Went to get a massage and the lady was like, “what is wrong with your hips?!”  So basically I get more massages?

Issue: Pregnancy glow
Original: Glow = sweat.  Starting in January, I carried ice water everywhere and wore only undies at home.
Sequel: whose idea was it to have a baby in JULY.  Mine?  Right.  That was dumb.  I’m gonna be so sweaty, you guys.  And new babies are SO HOT and make me sweaty.  And hormones.  Gonna be steamy, people. 

Issue: resulting baby
Original: Booberry is the bestest little crazy toddler I could have ever asked for…she says while lying exhausted and elevating her foot caused by carrying said toddler while she washes her jacket that Boo threw into the toilet at the OB this morning. 
Sequel: this kid is gonna be like the Aliens of second children: more exciting, scarier, higher production value, and more catchphrases.  But he better exit the normal way not like…