An expression used here in sunny Portland, Oregon
(what? It is sunny!) to describe a
certain type of person is “crunchy.” I
assume it is used elsewhere as well. It
is a term with negative associations regarding the liberal, hippie-esque
tendencies of some of our residents. Different
than hipsters (which run rampant here but you’d never know it if you asked them
because they don’t like labels), crunchy granola people are the stereotype of
an Oregonian from which some of us want to escape. But they are not caricatures! They’re real, live people! They are generally easy to spot (hemp
clothes) or even…smell, but, much like autism, crunchiness is a spectrum, so
sometimes people hide behind non-vegan footwear and Starbucks coffee to reveal
their inner crunchiness. There’s also
the opposite. A kid can have a name
that’s not on the top 100 for the year and might be in the puffiest cloth
diaper there ever was but the parents can otherwise not strike you as
crunchtastic.
It’s a weird word to use: crunchy. I like my granola crunchy…I’d say that’s good
granola. And these people don’t
necessarily eat granola…especially if it’s not gluten free. It’s certainly a judgment when you hear
it. As the Mommy Wars wage on (on
facebook that is), I find myself trying to disassociate myself with the
crunchies. So what’s the opposite of
crunchy? Soft granola? Bacon?
I don’t know. It’s a strange form
of categorization.
The official term for “crunchy parenting” is “attachment
parenting” which sounds fairly reasonable and has seven main tenants, most of which
I do to an extent. But that’s not what
crunchiness has become. Based on several
very official online quizzes, here’s where I stand on the crunch meter.
Birth
Experience/Bonding.
Crunch level: squishy
Reason: You may know from my previous rants and birth story that I
had a deeply unnatural (supernatural?) birth experience. AND I LOVED IT. If I hadn’t had every medical intervention in
the book, baby Booberry and I would be D-E-D dead. And also my genital region would be forever
destroyed by her giant, face-up head.
Because of my C-section, I did not get to do disgusting skin to skin
with my bloody, gooey baby, though I would have. I did it as soon as I could back in recovery
and I was on SO MANY DRUGS, I only remember a flash (of first-latch pain) of
it. The thing that the crunchiest of
crunchies does that makes me bonkers is not the having of the natural birth (DO
WHAT YOU WANT), it’s the advocating of the more “natural” ways over trusting
your doctor (WHO HAS A DOCTORATE IN YOUR VAGINA AND ITS FUNCTIONS). It is intensely disrespectful to the doctor
and nurses who put in years of training and hours of their lives (many of these
hours at night) for you and your health.
I have heard a midwife say that doctors just push for C-sections to get
it over and done with so they can be home for dinner. Uhhhh nope.
My doctor was on call for a solid twenty-four hour stretch the day I was
there. He went home for breakfast seven
hours after he surgically removed my baby at midnight after being with me for a
full day before that. I had the same
nurse twenty of the twenty-six hours I was in labor. No one is going home. No one is rushing anyone. Ok sorry, ranting again. END OF RANT (for now).
Go
to your baby when she cries.
Crunch level: this granola might be stale or overcooked
Reason: Here’s my hang up with cry it out (CIO for those of you IN
A HURRY). My kid doesn’t know why she’s upset.
She just knows she feels sad and alone.
Have you ever been sad and alone in the dark and just wished you felt
safe? Have you ever had an inconsolable
sadness? I can make her sad feelings go
away by holding her. Sure, it would be
convenient for me if she just put herself to sleep. But I can wait. I read an article that scarred me for life
that said that kids’ cortisol levels (stress) are still high after they cry it
out (as opposed to when they are held and compared to the mother’s cortisol
levels during and after the baby is crying).
Is it true? I don’t know. I don’t care.
Yet. I reserve the right to
change my mind and get less crunchy and be hardened (see? It’s a confusing metaphor) and let the child
cry. Because clearly kids who I know
cried it out are fine and at least mostly well adjusted. This is my crunchiest thing.
Breastfeeding.
Crunch level: soft with a little crispiness
Reason: HERE IS MY BIGGEST SECRET.
For the first week, giant baby Booberry and I were out of sync and I
didn’t make enough for her…and I SUPPLEMENTED WITH FORMULA. Omg. I
am going to parenting hell. And my kid
is going have a lower IQ (because IQ is everything?). I was full-blown afraid to tell people
this. Not because I was ashamed since my
entire purpose as a woman is to give and sustain life (remember how I would
have died without modern medicine? Clearly
survival of the fittest isn’t really a thing anymore), but because I was too
tired and on drugs to fight the Mommy Battle regarding the use of formula. So I would vaguely say, “she just ate” instead
of “she had a bottle,” so no one would know my shame. Then, everything worked out and now I am
still the super special one who has to wear maxi-pads on my boobs because I am
a milk over-achiever and I really do love breastfeeding. I won’t do it forever, but I’ll keep it up
for a while.
Co-sleeping
Crunch level: homemade granola bar from a made up recipe
Reason: Attachment parents are all for co-sleeping. At the very least, they say you should sleep
with your baby in the same room with you for six months. I did minimal online research on this and,
generally, co-sleeping can be a SIDs risk and I’m too anxious about that kind
of thing and also Catdome likes to co-sleep (on our faces) and he gets aggressive
if we don’t love him enough. So, we
slept with her in the room with us until…four months. Why four?
Totally arbitrary. But I had the
sneaking suspicion that sleep talking Doctor, aggressive cuddler Catdome,
people getting up to pee in the night, and not wanting to go to bed at 7pm was
leading to Boo waking up more than necessary.
So we moved her to her room and I didn’t sleep much that night,
constantly wanting to go make sure she was still breathing. And she totally slept better (until teething
started).
Baby
led weaning
Crunch level: oatmeal
Reason: This, as I understand it, is that instead of feeding your
six-month old watered down baby food from a spoon, you give your baby chunks of
actual food and see if they choke and die.
This is supposed to teach the baby…something valuable…
Amber
teething necklaces
Crunch level: milk
Reason: NO MEDICAL PROOF.
Parents somewhere got the idea that you can put a pretty amber beaded necklace
around your infant’s neck and it will relieve teething pain (through...magic?). I’m sure babies will just forget that they
like to chew on everything and that they only grab at everything with spastic
fervor and just leave the tantalizing thing around their necks and not
die. Sarcasm! I DON’T GET THIS ONE!
Fluoride
Crunch level: married
Reason: Portland had a vote right before we moved here that asked
its residents if they wanted their tap water fluoridated. Wealthy people, hippies, and those who hate
dentists with a sociopathic passion voted that they didn’t want their pure,
delicious (it is) water being poisoned with chemicals. As much as I hate flossing, I am married to a
dentist and he, despite the fact that lack of fluoridation would give him more
patients, is pretty clear on the issue: kids need teeth. Fluoridate.
He had an awkward argument with our neighbor at a block party when the
poor neighbor, with no facts to back up his claim, “respectfully disagreed”
that the water should be fluoridated. Pretty
sure we’re not going to get invited to any parties at his house…
Cloth
diapering
Crunch level: store bought
Reason: I’m lazy.
The
environment
Crunch level: the box says it’s organic granola so I’ll buy it
Reason: I TRY. I
compost. I recycle whenever
possible. I use green cleaning products
on baby toys. But, the day we ran out of
hand sanitizer at my first teaching job was the day everyone got pink eye. At another teaching job, I started Lysoling
desks after a terrible bout of strep throat.
Sometimes I need me some CHEMICALS.
Also, I reallllllly want a minivan.
Dietary
restrictions
Crunch level: Quaker Oat Bars from Target
Reason: I eat meat. Sometimes
I know that it is grass fed…sometimes it’s just the cheapest meat at the store. I eat eggs.
Sometimes they come from my awesome neighbor and, yes, they taste better
than the store-bought ones. I eat dairy…all
of it. I eat gluten…omg so much
gluten. I eat sugar. Also agave.
Also honey. Also syrup. Also coconut sugar. All the sugars. Even the fake sugars but I don’t like those
as much. I do not eat Little Caesars Hot
and Ready because that is not food.
Alternative
Medicine
Crunch level: FDA approved
Reason:
Ok. So I got acupuncture and it was amazing.
But, seriously, the term “naturopath” is not allowed in my house because
it will start the Doctor on a looooonnnng rant or at least a complete lack of
respect. The internet says naturopathy
is often lacking in “evidence based medicine.”
That’s about all I need, guys. Just
gimmie some non-anecdotal evidence. I mean,
sure, I rub coconut oil on myself sometimes but it’s because I like smelling
like a cookie, not because it will cure ALL my ills.
Which brings us to the biggie…
Vaccines
Crunch level: I WILL NEVER EAT THAT DISGUSTING GRANOLA DON’T EVEN
SHOW IT TO ME
Reason:
ex-MTV VGs are not medical experts. Even
though I had and really didn’t mind chicken pox as a kid, I did miss spring
break because of it, so why do kids need to have chicken pox? Chicken pox parties are the LEAST of our worries,
though. Here’s the deal, I don’t claim
to know things. I’m agnostic. I refuse to commit to knowing much of anything
for certain. I can only go off of what I
have reasonable proof and/or doubt of.
AND VACCINES ARE NECESSARY. I don’t
believe anyone is trying to hurt their kid (or anyone else’s if we’re gonna get
into herd immunity issues), but this is getting ridiculous, Portland. Get your shit together and do even a LITTLE
research on this.
True story: I totally paused writing this to go get a
granola bar because all this talk of crunchiness made me really want one. It’s gluten free…and I like it.
