Monday, October 21, 2013

Me Want Food

I'm sitting here icing my arm because apparently you're not supposed to workout directly after getting allergy shots because it's speeds up all your BLOOD and stuff and makes you react faster.  So I have a welt on my arm the size of a baseball.  I'm special.

This happened to me a couple years ago when I got shots the day of The Hunger Games midnight premiere and forgot to call my allergist when I had a mild reaction because I WAS SO EXCITED ABOUT THE HUNGER GAMES THAT NOTHING ELSE MATTERED.  And then the next week my arm simply couldn't handle the amount of grass serum being injected into and got looking REALLY CUTE just in time for a long day at school.

In general, though.  I feel ever so much better than I have the last few months.

It's the kind of thing where you don't know how bad you felt until you feel better.  My ENT (ear, nose, throat) doctor from a few years ago really enlightened me to this phenomenon.  You see, I had a GIANT CYST in my sinus which is an extra attractive attribute of mine.  He took it out for me, and, in my follow up appointment, was gleefully pulling "crusts" (don't ask) from my nose and showing them to me.  I told him, "I'm really glad you like your job, but please stop showing me things that have been in my nose."  He said, "You know that thing you mom tells you: 'you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose but you can't pick your friend's nose?'  Well, I can!  And I get paid for it!"  A joke he probably tells all his patients.  Then he said, "But seriously, I'm just excited because you are going to feel SO MUCH BETTER!  You don't even know!"  And I did.  It's nice to have a clear sinus cavity!  WHO KNEW?!

The thing is, a few weeks ago my friend (I MISS YOU GANGER) and I were doing this cool new thing, google chat, because we are the hippest and coolest ever (it's free) and she, probably sick of me complaining to her about my sleepiness and craziness and carsickness and general lumpiness, asked me, "Is there anything good about being pregnant?"  I thought long and hard.  What I came up with was, "My hair grows really fast and is really shiny!"  And she was impressed.  But then I said, "So is my leg hair, though."  Less impressed.  "My toenails are really strong!" I offered.  She was mildly proud of me. I tried, "I have zits on my boobs?"  No comment.  "I'll think of something.  I'm sure of it."  She waited patiently.  Finally, I said, "I guess the having the baby part is the good part and the rest of it is just fine."  Which is nice and all...but then I took a nap.

But now, just about midway through this thing, I came up with something really good!  AND IT'S FOOD!  So, I lived mostly on multigrain cheerios (no milk) for the majority of the summer.  My OB was cool with it, saying, "Whatever gets you through!"  But it's kinda depressing eating only off white foods.  BUT NOW I LOVE FOOD!  I am only nauseated sometimes in the morning and only when I make the Doctor bacon because apparently bacon is my worst enemy now (sad, I know).  Generally, though, I eat like a champ.  I can eat so much more than I thought I could.  I'll be eating and then eat the normal amount and be ready to be done but then I'll kinda rally and be like, "you know what? I CAN DO THIS!" and then eat more stuff.  The thing is.  I have the slowest metabolism on the planet.  Not really.  But I have been told I have a middle-aged-woman metabolism.  And so generally, eating DELICIOUS Tillamook peanut butter ice cream every day would catch up to me.  But this is the magic part.  It's not (yet!).  If this changes, I will sadly bid adieu to my double string cheese a day habit and my "pretend" Starbucks (decaf lattes I pretend are the real deal).  But until then...

In other news I'm still crazy, in case you were wondering.  Just hours ago I screamed at the radio, "I do not want to hear F******* 'Wrecking Ball!'" after changing the station three times and it was ON EVERY ONE.  

One last note from a gchat convo.  My friend asked me about my new nephew (so cute) and asked if he's a good baby.  I said, "Yeah!  He's great.  He eats and sleeps and stuff."  She said, "Isn't it crazy that all it takes to be a good baby are those two things?  So simple"  And I said, "Yeah.  If only all things in life were that simple.  If so, I'M A GREAT BABY!"

Full disclosure, it has come to my attention that I was not that great of a baby...that was then, though.  I got the hang of it...

Thursday, October 3, 2013

My left foot....

Sometimes our bodies betray us.  We'd like to think we would survive the Hunger Games (omg November 20th!), but most of us are not Katniss.

But a girl can dream.

Lately, because of my adorable medical condition, my body has betrayed me more than usual.

Last weekend, I did this really cute thing where, two days in a row, I almost passed out while standing.  Once, at a warm, crowded, house warming party.  And once in line at Trader Joes (aka my happy place).  Fortunately, the Doctor was there both times to supervise me putting my head between my legs as I sweated profusely.

Fun fact, this is a very normal symptom.  I know because, in high school, I was not knocked up, but I was kinda tired and singing in a choir concert at the Pleasanton Hotel.  I started to fade.  The world became boiling hot and my vision started looking like, I'm sorry to make this reference, but when your heath is super fading during a first person shooter video game...I began to list to the side, leaning on the itty bitty sophomore next to me.  My mom didn't seem to notice this, but the girl's aunt did, and during the song break, she whisked me away to a bathroom and put me in fetal position on the floor.  When I came back to reality, I realized I was on a public bathroom floor and sat up.  The woman said, "I knew what was wrong with you because it used to happen to me all the time when I was pregnant!  SO it'll happen to you when you're pregnant!"  And I was allllll, "Um....I'm 16....I don't....zzzz."  But that gypsy woman's prophecy has haunted me since (she wasn't a gypsy...I don't think.  She was mysterious and had lustrous, dark, curly locks).

But today, the biggest betrayal in my life is my left foot.

Okay, it's not as bad as whatever was wrong with Daniel Day-Lewis...I didn't see the movie...

It's "hammer toe."  I heard the doc say something about bunion I'm going to forget I heard.   And some plantar fasciitis.  FASCIST FEET!  I know the root doesn't mean that...but it should.  If you look it up on wikipedia, it tells you that it's caused by being a SUPER ATHLETE


...or gaining weight.  

I went to water aerobics AND prenatal yoga last week...

Okay it's probably the second thing because I eat food now.  

Wikipedia and the doctor actually said it's because I wear shoes that force my feet into the shape of the shoe.  Ironically, I have been praised for my "perfect" looking feet.  I know that's a weird thing to be proud of...or praised for, but it HAPPENED.  This one time, I was at a sleepover and my friend's mom told me I have perfect feet because my toes aren't all splayed apart like hers, which she said was because she was Hawaiian.  I don't know...she maybe had some self-esteem issues.  And, apparently, significantly healthier feet than I have.  I have the American version of bound feet.  

The doc said I have to wear shoes with wider toe sections.  

Me: So I have to wear nerdier shoes?
Dr.: Yep!

She also prescribed me this:
It will cure me.  And, no, I can't just wear the things they give you at the pedicure place...I asked.  

I also have to buy some old lady shoes.

I may have cried at Nordstrom Rack trying on shoes...

Shoes I won't wear:
Mountain climber granola shoes

Too sporty but not for sports.
Shoes for when I'm in a nursing home

I will wear clogs.  But only sometimes.  They don't look good with skinny jeans or leggings.  And burgeoning bump looks good with skinny jeans and leggings.  Dressing oneself is HARD.  When I was four, I decided I would sleep in my clothes because it was efficient.  I don't know that I knew the word "efficient" but I did to save the hassle of getting dressed every day.  

Not to mention that shoes that are good for you are quite spendy.


Don't get me started on my eyebrows.