Thursday, October 3, 2013

My left foot....

Sometimes our bodies betray us.  We'd like to think we would survive the Hunger Games (omg November 20th!), but most of us are not Katniss.

But a girl can dream.

Lately, because of my adorable medical condition, my body has betrayed me more than usual.

Last weekend, I did this really cute thing where, two days in a row, I almost passed out while standing.  Once, at a warm, crowded, house warming party.  And once in line at Trader Joes (aka my happy place).  Fortunately, the Doctor was there both times to supervise me putting my head between my legs as I sweated profusely.

Fun fact, this is a very normal symptom.  I know because, in high school, I was not knocked up, but I was kinda tired and singing in a choir concert at the Pleasanton Hotel.  I started to fade.  The world became boiling hot and my vision started looking like, I'm sorry to make this reference, but when your heath is super fading during a first person shooter video game...I began to list to the side, leaning on the itty bitty sophomore next to me.  My mom didn't seem to notice this, but the girl's aunt did, and during the song break, she whisked me away to a bathroom and put me in fetal position on the floor.  When I came back to reality, I realized I was on a public bathroom floor and sat up.  The woman said, "I knew what was wrong with you because it used to happen to me all the time when I was pregnant!  SO it'll happen to you when you're pregnant!"  And I was allllll, "Um....I'm 16....I don't....zzzz."  But that gypsy woman's prophecy has haunted me since (she wasn't a gypsy...I don't think.  She was mysterious and had lustrous, dark, curly locks).

But today, the biggest betrayal in my life is my left foot.

Okay, it's not as bad as whatever was wrong with Daniel Day-Lewis...I didn't see the movie...

It's "hammer toe."  I heard the doc say something about bunion I'm going to forget I heard.   And some plantar fasciitis.  FASCIST FEET!  I know the root doesn't mean that...but it should.  If you look it up on wikipedia, it tells you that it's caused by being a SUPER ATHLETE


...or gaining weight.  

I went to water aerobics AND prenatal yoga last week...

Okay it's probably the second thing because I eat food now.  

Wikipedia and the doctor actually said it's because I wear shoes that force my feet into the shape of the shoe.  Ironically, I have been praised for my "perfect" looking feet.  I know that's a weird thing to be proud of...or praised for, but it HAPPENED.  This one time, I was at a sleepover and my friend's mom told me I have perfect feet because my toes aren't all splayed apart like hers, which she said was because she was Hawaiian.  I don't know...she maybe had some self-esteem issues.  And, apparently, significantly healthier feet than I have.  I have the American version of bound feet.  

The doc said I have to wear shoes with wider toe sections.  

Me: So I have to wear nerdier shoes?
Dr.: Yep!

She also prescribed me this:
It will cure me.  And, no, I can't just wear the things they give you at the pedicure place...I asked.  

I also have to buy some old lady shoes.

I may have cried at Nordstrom Rack trying on shoes...

Shoes I won't wear:
Mountain climber granola shoes

Too sporty but not for sports.
Shoes for when I'm in a nursing home

I will wear clogs.  But only sometimes.  They don't look good with skinny jeans or leggings.  And burgeoning bump looks good with skinny jeans and leggings.  Dressing oneself is HARD.  When I was four, I decided I would sleep in my clothes because it was efficient.  I don't know that I knew the word "efficient" but I did to save the hassle of getting dressed every day.  

Not to mention that shoes that are good for you are quite spendy.


Don't get me started on my eyebrows.

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