For Your Listening Enjoyment (music edition)

I can’t sit and listen to voices all day so there are music breaks in my new lifestyle as a professional driver who doesn’t get paid. Also, the children don’t listen to podcasts (unless you can think of some good kid ones) so we jam when they’re in the car.


Current favorites:


Oliver Boyd and the Remembralls: That’s right. Harry Potter themed rock music. I am a proud Ravenclaw, but my favorite song might be “Just a Hufflepuff.” YOU’RE WELCOME.


Lizzo. Because I am cool and young and hip, yeah? No? Well you might say Lizzo is not kid friendly and you would not be wrong but also, it’s body positive and has math (“What’s two plus two?” The song calls and, along with the music, they call, “FOUR! Three, Two, One!”)


I’m trying to bring back Queen Friday which is something we did when I drove carpool my senior year of high school in a Ford Taurus station wagon which held eight including two rear facing in the back. That car was great because it could fit the whole cast of Brighton Beach Memoirs. 

Musical of the Day: the kids are obsessed with Seussical but I’m trying to get them into others like Matilda, Into the Woods, Newsies, Annie, Peter Pan, etc. They also really like and know most of the words to “Waving Through a Window.”


Acoustic Covers: MAN do I love a good acoustic cover. The other covers that we have been enjoying are by Cinematic Pop which takes a pop song like “Friday, I’m in Love” and covers it in the style of a movie soundtrack. Epic.


Hamildrops: What are Hamildrops? https://www.hamildrops.com/ I have gotten in trouble with “The Benjamin Franklin Song” because, while she is learning about history, it’s probably not good that I caught my five year old drawing and singing to herself, “Do you know who the fuck I am? Do you know who the fuck I am? Do you know who the fuck I am? I am Benjamin Fucking Franklin!”


“New” Guys: Jukebox the Ghost, Bleachers, Taylor Swift (the blonde loves TSwift duh), Mika, Sara Bareilles, Lana Del Rey.


“Old” Guys: Beatles, ABBA, Cake, Dave Matthews, Joni Mitchell, Backstreet Boys, Barenaked Ladies, Wham!, Elton John.


Really old: Ella Fitzgerald, Billie Holiday, Nina Simone, Louis Armstrong.


WHAT ELSE? What do the children need in their musical education?

For Your Listening Enjoyment (Podcast Reviews)

I’ve been driving much more recently. Two kids at two schools, exercise in the suburbs, three different places where I teach, errands, therapy, etc. I drive at least an hour a day and it’s usually more like two. So I’ve upped my listening game.


Do you know what kind of learner you are? I am a kinesthetic, visual, musical learner. I learn by doing, seeing, and singing about it. Most of my SAT vocab knowledge came from Sondheim musicals. I am NOT auditory. I space the fffff out when people talk at me. So podcasts are hard. I don’t like the chit chat ones. I don’t like the side stories. I get lost in those. I’ve started the process of finding ones I like/don’t and will discuss them here. PLEASE comment with your suggestions for more and some that are kid friendly. I will do a follow up post on our music discoveries (Spoiler: Kids love Lizzo).


The Moth: Overall, this one works the best for me. There’s a short, concise narrative. It’s usually either funny or touching but not too depressing or topical. These serve me well on errand runs or while cooking.


Babysitter’s Club Club: I wanted to love this podcast where two dudes seriously discuss the children’s books but I couldn’t make it more than thirty minutes into the first one because HOLY TANGENT BATMAN. I could not follow the thread.


My Favorite Murder: TOOO MAAAAANY SIDE CONVOS! I wanted to love these ladies and I think I would have fun with them socially but, if you’re gonna tell me a story, tell me a story.


Queens of Adventure: drag queens play DnD. What could be better? I enjoyed this one but wouldn’t listen to it all the time because the narrative, like actual DnD is meandering and there are lots of side quests.


Dax Shepard’s Armchair Expert: I started with the Ben Platt one and it was very clear that Dax does not really care about Broadway (bc he said so) so this wasn’t a good starter. Then I tried a few more of people he has worked with and likes and they were better. Dax always sounds kinda bored with the people but I think that’s just his voice.


Conan O’Brien Needs Friend: I like Conan and his potential friends. Sometimes they talk about things that were funny but they don’t do the funny thing and I didn’t see it so I get bored but I overall like the discourse.


Show People: VERY specific: a dude talks with Broadway stars about being on Broadway. I love the ones of the people I’ve seen but I wouldn’t recommend it unless you LOVE Broadway.


My Little Tony’s: same vein--super SUPER specific discussion of Broadway seasons. It works for me when they discuss a year I went to NY and saw shows.


Creative Processing with Joseph Gordon Levitt: The one I listened to bored me to death because I had only seen one movie of the guy they were talking to but I like the IDEA of talking about the creative process with JGL. I will try one more.


LeVar Burton Reads: Delightful. When his voice first began, I had a sensory flashback to being a kid watching Reading Rainbow. I have only listened to one short story, called “Sea Girls.” One girl is a human and one girl is a mermaid. I loved it and I love hearing Geordi Laforge tell me stories again.










I NEED MORE...

But What Do You Do All Day? (School Edition)

Guess what? It finally happened. The girl has gone off to kindergarten. She's doing fine. I mean, she's exhausted and comes home with most of her lunch uneaten, but she's doing fine and has little cute friends and seems to enjoy it.

I was totally planning to write a saccharine post about how proud I am of my big baby and how ready she is and how much I cried (I didn't) and missed her (also didn't) ....but....instead..........howwww abouuuuut.....

ME!

If it wasn't stuck in your head then, it is now.

My classes don't start for a week and that's actually great because this has been really an adjustment for ME!

I maybe low key judged some moms who stay home after their kids go to school BUT NO MORE. I have been completely busy, y'all.

Here's my day, and maybe it looks like all other SAHM (learn the acronyms) days but also, I really, really want to go up to every mom in the kinder class and ask them what they did all day in a minute by minute break down because I'm desperately curious but I'm also trying to figure out exactly which ones are gonna be my friends for the next one to twelve years so I'm trying to play it coy at the moment.

6:40 Awake with the dawn/the cries of the boy who, every night before bed, says to me, "When I scream, it's time to get up!" He runs as loudly as possible for someone weighing under 40lbs into my room and then complains that I'm taking too long peeing.

6:45 I make his breakfast first because I don't have it in me to parent a three year old with a lesson on patience first thing. Then I make coffee and husband's, my, and the girl's breakfast in that order.

6:50 Before the coffee is done brewing, the boy is done eating and requests being changed into clothes that I have to psychically intuit to fit his whim and then becomes possessed by a demon unless I let him watch a show on the kindle and usually I haven't had coffee or food at this point and I let him so I can do all the other things.

7am wake the girl who is DEEPLY asleep and force her to pee and eat and then she asks me to "dress her like a baby" and wanders in to watch the show. Make lunches for all except me. Yes, they are in bento boxes. No they are not cutesy and containing sandwiches shaped like pandas.

7:10 Bye Husband. Everyone lightly acknowledges his departure. The boy asks for yogurt. I give the boy yogurt because #calcium

7:30 abandon any uneaten food/undranken coffee and throw on clothes. These last couple days I've tried to wear "real" clothes because, you know, I'm in the market for friends and maybe I should dress for them. You notice I didn't shower?

7:40 pry the kindle from their hands and brush and floss teeth (#dentistkids), put on shoes, and we leave.

7:50 I have to drive the girl to elementary school because she got into a "public focus option" which is liiiiike  public school in that it's free and unlike a public school in that there's no bus.

8:10 Arrive at school, unload children, brace for the sound of the bell that sets my sensory processing disordered kids into anxiety mode, and go to the classroom. Do the routine of filling water, hanging coats, etc. I could get to school later but I guarantee a good parking spot by getting there early and that's worth my time, I think.

8:30 The teacher opens the door and lets the girl in. The boy begins to cry because of a combo of "I want to go to kindergarten. I miss my sister! I want to stay and play! I don't want to go to this school! This school is too big! I don't want to go to my school! The bell is loud!" And I carry him out of there as the other parents give me sympathy smiles.  Drive the boy to preschool as he weeps.

8:45 Drop the boy at preschool. Everyone remarks on how dressed up I am. My standards are lower for the preschool crowd who has seen me through all disgusting trimesters of being pregnant with the boy, the post-surgical post-partum year, the year of tantrums of having a 1 and 3 year old, and every day since.

9am walk in the door of my SILENT HOUSE. Sprawl on the couch.

9:30 DO ALL THE THINGS.

- laundry
- groceries
- dishes
- food prep
- tidying
- "work" (social media for the dental practice, prep for said classes)
- READ A BOOK LIKE A HUMAN
- one day this week I went to breakfast with a friend and we were giddy with our freedom
- EXERCISE LIKE A HUMAN
- somehow there's more laundry and dishes already
- stretch
- go on the internet
- learn what podcasts are because.....

2:40 Get back in the car to go get the girl.  Listen to a podcast. Find it delightful. Maybe I am going to be okay driving 2 hours a day somehow to get these kids to and from school.

3pm Snag a good parking spot. Go to the girl's classroom sans screaming three year old. Pick up the exhausted limp noodle that is my daughter. Somehow this takes fifteen minutes.

3:15 Drive home. Get precious few details about her day.

3:30 Arrive home. Read with the girl. My favorite part of the day.

4:20 leave to get the boy from preschool. Lose the girl in the preschool playground because she misses her old life. Somehow this takes fifteen minutes

4:45 Arrive back home. Feed the feral beasts as fast as possible. Attempt to make grown-up dinner.

5pm ALL CHAOS DESCENDS UPON US. Everyone is tired, the food hasn't hit their systems yet, and it's ALL TOO MUCH!

6pm or whenever. Daddy's home! Somehow the dishwasher is going but there's a sink full of dishes and every toy and book in the house is on the floor and I've lost my shit and the girl is in timeout for trying to curb stomp her brother and the boy is dressed as Spiderman.

6:30 eat grown up dinner (because I give up on the whole "eat together thing") while the children play angelically in the next room. They play angelically when the next thing is:

7pm bedtime for the boy! Read the books, "tell a story about (insert random assortment of objects and people)", sing (he currently always wants "Til There Was You"), tuck in, and, as I leave, he whispers, "When I scream, it's time to get up!"

7:30 Read (or watch Dark Crystal) with the girl. Let her chill the F ouuuuut.

8:30 Alls quiet (except the girl's super loud audio book). Netflix and scroll on our phones.

10pm read in bed. Sleep?

TOMORROW WE DO IT ALL AGAIN!

We don't even have any extracurriculars at this point! And no appointments this week. And I didn't have to appear at work!

Did you want to know? I don't care. But what did you do all day? No really...did I do it right? Is this what we do all day?

Workin' Moms

First and foremost, Workin' Moms on Netflix is the greatest thing to happen to moms since the yoga pant.

ALSO. Here we are...the home stretch. Almost back to school and back to my sorta work. I work part time. I call it "underemployed" but really I am part time and I need to own that because I DO LOTS OF THINGS when I'm not actively at my place(s) of employment.

But last spring, I worked full time for three months. I had a long-term-sub position at a private school nearby, an experience I called "teacher vacation" because they fed me lunch and the building was all one temperature. I also kept all my tutoring clients.

What was MOM time on MWF became mostly work time and what was ONE MOM became FOUR people:
- husband who took three long lunches to accommodate my afternoon class.
- his parents who I asked to help out because they are the best in-laws ever and also because they are free
- a friend from college who graciously agreed to nanny for us part time and my children only broke her spirit SOME of the days

THINGS I DID NOT DO WHILE WORKING:
- cook (like at all)
- clean
- kid-clothes shop
- go on dates (bc I used up all my childcare favors and $$ on covering my work schedule)
- stay awake past 10pm
- wake up later than 6am

THINGS I DID DO WHILE WORKING:
- buy work-appropriate clothes (because leggings as pants seemed wrong)
- exercise (about half as much as before)
- organize mental and physical health care for 3/4 family members (Doctor Husband is on his own)
- attend IFEP, IEP, and evaluations for each of my children
- attend bi-monthly therapy sessions for our family
- ALL THE LAUNDRY FOR SOME REASON (friend nanny offered to help with this, in her defense, and I think in-laws did, too, but I was never READY to give up this glorious task)
- attended four weddings
- went to Disneyworld (see previous post)

IT WAS EXHAUSTING YOU GUYS. And, yeah, if it was a forever-job thing, I'd have put the kids in daycare full time and it would have been more effective. And, yeah, the girl is going to kinder in a week and that's free.

BUT:
Between pick up and drop off and OT and therapy and doctor's appointments and sick days and soccer practice and swim lessons, I don't actually have that many hours a week where I'm not with a kid considering they will both be "full time students" after Labor Day.

SO WHAT AM I SAYING?

I don't know.

Mental load, I guess. Feminism. The patriarchy.

OK HERE'S WHAT IT IS:
RESPECT TO YOU ALL.

If you are a working parent. An "underemployed," part-time, unemployed, stay at home, or any combination I can't think of. RESPECT to you. THIS SHIT IS INTENSE. It is not easy for ANY of us. No one (I know) has it easy.

SO you do you. And you're going a good job. Whatever that job may be.

Summertime

Summertime and the livin' is.....crazy.
Kids are jumping and the anxiety is high.
Your daddy's workin' and your momma's unshowered.
So hush little children, don't you cry.

But, like, I like my kids, right?

I mean....you can LOVE someone more than yourself but you still can sorta kinda....feel exhausted by them on all levels.

Summer livin' had me a blast.
Summer livin' happened not so fast.
I have this girl, crazy and free.
I have this boy, cute as can be.
Summer dreams. ripped at the seams
by those, those summer fights.

Wella wella wella.

On Monday the kids went to camp and got separated for fighting.

Later that day, the girl went full manic demon nightmare child on me for the 1000000000000000 time this summer.

Would you like to recommend some literature to me? The Whole Brain Child, perhaps? WELL YEAH I GET IT HER ENTIRE BRAIN IS AMYGDALA RIGHT NOW.

Maybe a book called, No Bad Kids. This book will perhaps teach me not to feel shame about disciplining my children because I will do so WITH RESPECT.

Respectfully, girl child, would you ever so kindly stop biting me? I understand that you have flipped your lid due to underlying anxiety about leaving the safety of preschool and embarking on the glorious and terrifying journey into kinder.

How about the very clearly titled, How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk?

Me: I see you are out of your mind with rage. That must be really frustrating for you that I won't let you gouge out your brother's eyes. I wish I could let you gouge out all our eyes so the whole world could be blind. Why don't we come up with a solution together? Here, draw your feelings and we will feed it to the worry monster.

It's a cruel (cruel) summer.

The boy, of course. refuses to comply with swim lessons. Yesterday, he (somewhat sweetly) cowered in my bosom for the whole thirty minutes. But, last lesson, he spent the whole class actively trying to sabotage the class. He left the group, threw toys in the pool, and, when we told him to stop, he began the process of putting alllllll theeeee pooooool waaaater in his mouth and spitting it at the teacher and classmates. A JOY.

Now, it's not all bad. My insta will paint the most gorgeous picture of our garden, filled with yummy veggies (that they will not eat). Insta will also show you the delightful trip to the beach, where my feral children can really run free. Other "perfect internet life" highlights include a movie in the park (the three year old started a mosh pit and went home with a bloody eyebrow, but it really was the highlight of their lives), my escape to New York (siiiiiigh), and, of course, an adorable video of the girl in her ballet outfit. She hates ballet, turns out, but, really, who were we kidding, she's a hip hop girl at heart.

MY POINT, YOU ASK?

Two weeks to go.

A Tale of Two Theme Parks

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

It has been a whole month since we got back from our Florida Experience and I feel I am perhaps ready to talk about it.

When I told people we were going to Disneyworld, the most common question I got was, "Why?"

I understand their confusion.

Why Florida? We live much closer to LA. And also...Florida.

Because we were invited to a wedding one hour away.

Why Disney AND Universal? Aren't our kids too little?

Because the adults wanna go to Harry Potter World DAGNAMIT!

Why YOUR children? They are....INTENSE AS FUUUUUUUUCK.

Because we are insane and I figure...now or never. They're not missing school, the boy is free in the parks, and they love Disney, Harry, Seuss, Spiderman, etc.

SO WE WENT FOR FIVE DAYS STRAIGHT TO THEME PARKS.

This was mistake...I know this now.

But, we had a package, you know. And I wanted my money's worth.

DAY 1: Saturday

Fly cross country with two children. They were adequately behaved. They did not sleep despite leaving the west coast in the dark and promptly fell asleep in the stroller in the airport.

Disney loves SYSTEMS. They have a SYSTEM for getting you from the airport to the resort and they have a SYSTEM for your luggage.

The system failed us. The airline lost our luggage.

As we bemoaned our fate to the Disney Magical Express customer service agent, I joked, "I guess it's neither magical nor express."

She straight up zig zag snapped at me and said, "OH! It's magical!"

Quote of the week right there.

Some guy named Craig or something at the resort tracked down our luggage.

Amazon Prime delivers to your hotel at the resorts. Except our prime delivery guy was new, so our groceries didn't arrive. THE SYSTEM FAILED US again!

We went to bed and spent $36 on breakfast the next morning since we didn't get Amazon to bring us cereal in time.

DAY 2: The Magic Kingdom

You may have noticed my children are not neurotypical. Well they didn't get those weirdo sensitivities from vaccines, let me tell you. Those are inherited traits, yes sir.

Collectively, we are sensitive to:
- heat
- noise
- crowds
- standing in lines
- waiting for things (separate issue)
- new foods
- new beds
- ANY CHANGE IN ROUTINE AT ALL

Plus we are white AF and are sensitive to...sunscreen, or sunSCREAM as the boy calls it.

Of course, Disney has a SYSTEM in place for people like us called the Disney Accessibility System. It's like a fast pass, but you get it in addition to the fast pass at Disney and in place of one at Universal (called Accessibility Pass there). With our DAS, plus the normal fast pass. we were able to ping pong around the park with minimal waiting and maximum Princess meeting ALL DAY LONG. We made it through the fireworks (which are amazing) and the kids fells asleep in the stroller on the way to the bus.

"Mission accomplished" said a woman as she passed us.

AND THEN THE GIRL STAYED UP UNTIL TWO AM.

Day 3: Epcot

It was on this day the boy started asking to go home.

"How about we go to Disneyworld instead?"

"I wanna go hoooooome!" He wailed every morning. We since decided to put him in full time daycare next year whether he needs it or not because the man loves structure. Like Disney, he wants things to be a SYSTEM.

Every day we were in Florida. the temperature went up approximately one to five degrees. Epcot was a good choice for day 2 because it has Arendelle, home of Anna and Elsa. Clad in her finest lightweight Elsa dress, the girl waited patiently without speaking until she met her heroes. She said nothing to them while the boy blathered on some of the following random thoughts that popped into his head:

"I drove a boat!" (Peter Pan ride yesterday)

"I like cookies!"

"There is a dinosaur!" (wrong theme park, buddy)

All the princesses are master improvisers and handled the children so incredibly genuinely and gracefully.

We did a half day in Epcot and hung at the pool.

DAY 4: Hollywood Studios

Hollywood Studios is mostly shows which is great when it's the exact temperature of the sun and it's day three of theme parks. The girl was asleep most of the morning, due to, again, staying up all night, and even slept through the Indiana Jones stunt spectacular which included gunshots and actual fiery explosions.

We left midday, had a siesta (well the boy did) and then went back for the Star Wars fireworks at night.

DAY 5: Universal

Here's where things went sideways.

We rented a car to go to Universal at this point. We also rented car seats to go with it. This created conflict. At one point, my clothes were drenched in sweat.

We got to the park. We got the Accessibility Pass.

All I care about is Harry Potter World. It is, of course. at the terminal point of the park.

BUT WE MADE IT.

AND IT'S EXACTLY LIKE THE MOVIE!

Which is to say magical AF and teeeeny tiiiiiiny English-sized stores and...Florida levels of crowds. BUTTERBEER IS AMAZING! We spent $288 dollars at the wand store. We RODE THE HOGWARTS EXPRESS! I cried.

The snow in Hogsmeade is weird when you're swimming in sweat.

The SYSTEMS that make Disney so magical work ALMOST but NOT QUITE as well at Universal. The "fast pass" line for the Flight of the Hippogriff ride isn't exactly fast. The children started attempting to climb the walls of their enclosure. The ride was fun and fast. And the girl started to lose it.

Universal, unlike Disney, which is more immersive, is commercialized up the wazoo and there is always music that is louder than necessary. It is visually and aurally stimulating. There are very few quiet corners, but the girl found one behind the Hogwarts castle. She asked for some quiet time and, when I checked on her, she was whispering into a pipe that lead into the castle...presumably to the Basilisk because she is the heir of Slytherin.

After the castle, we decided to leave. But we have to travel forever and ever to get back to the entrance. It is here that the girl had a five-alarm tantrum and tried to kill us all.

Bleeding from my chin, I carried her upside down to the car and strapped her in.

She stayed awake forever and ever and ever and ever that night.

DAY 6: Universal Again!

Why? Because I paid for a two day park hopper pass so we are going to park hop for two days and also I want to go on Jurassic Park because it's my favorite and also there's Seussland and also King Kong (the boy kept his father's hand clamped over his eyes the entire time), and blah blah blah.

It was one million degrees.

We made it a half day.

While in line for Spiderman, we were second in line when he went on break and NEVER CAME BACK. While the boy waited ever so patiently, the girl became possessed by Satan and I ended up strapping her into the stroller and parking her in a shady corner until the demon decided to vacate.

We abandoned our spot in the Spiderman line and left. As we were almost out of the loud, brightly colored Hell that is Marvel land, someone clapped me on the back.

"WHO THE FUCK IS TOUCHING ME I DON'T WANT TO BE TOUCHED EVER!" I thought, overstimulated by the blaring rock and roll and sweat in my eyes. I turned around. Spiderman bounded away from me, back to his post.

We will perhaps never meet Spiderman.

DAY 7: We went to the wedding we came here for and it was delightful. My kids just love weddings.

DAY 8: We went to the beach and it was great.

DAY 9: We went home.

The boy was perfect for half the flight. That is to say he was a caged banshee for only three hours straight. I heard a woman snickering to her flying companion about my child and I nearly screamed, "SAY IT TO MY FACE YOU MONSTER HE'S A HUMAN BEING HE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO SIT STRAPPED TO A CHAIR FOR SIX HOURS!"

But I didn't.

We made it home.

Life went back to normal.

In re-reading this, I feel very self-conscious that you will see me as entitled. I feel so lucky we had this opportunity. I feel so privileged to have gotten to do all this in a week. I do believe we will remember it fondly. But traveling with little kids is no joke and traveling with little sensitive creatures and two largish sensitive creatures is hard.

Some people go every year! I think we will wait. And maybe never go to Florida again. Maybe.

It is a far, far better thing that I do, that I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known.

Or something.

Eat Your Veggies

After posting on Insta about how #blessed I am to have children who will eat muffins with spinach in them, I was asked to blog about all the ways I am basically a Pinterest Goddess (I kid you not, the first time I wrote that out I wrote Godless and it's a good thing I sorta kinda proofread).

The original post:

"Here's the deal. The dream is that your children like vegetables intrinsically. The reality is that vegetables, like all foods that are not fruits, crackers, or dairy, are very scary to my children. The pediatrician is sympathetic to my plight and suggested I hide the vegetables. My children will not eat any combined foods unless they are mostly chocolate. They will eat these muffins. They aren't even scared of the spinach, especially because I quote Macbeth and use a cackley witch voice."

The recipe:

Chocolate Spinach Muffins

Ingredients:

1.5 c wheat flour

2 tsp baking powder

½ tsp salt

1 c Greek yogurt

1 c sugar

3 eggs

½ tsp vanilla

1 handful chocolate chips

½ c applesauce or vegetable oil

About 2c spinach but use as much as you can

Cocoa for color (about ⅓ c)

Instructions:

1. Preheat 350
2. Have your children fill the muffin tins with muffin wrappers. Check their work because….they will basically use all the wrappers on the first two muffin holes.
3. Put the applesauce and ½ spinach in the smoothie cup of the blender and blend away! While your children scream because blenders are the devil, add the rest of the spinach and blend.
4. Add all ingredients to bowl
5. Make sure the children witness you throwing in the handful of chocolate chips or else they will not believe you
6. Add cocoa for COLOR--when it looks right, you’re good.
7. Mix while quoting Mackers “Boil boil toil and trouble.”
8. Use a cupcake scoop to fill wrappers ½-⅔ full
9. Bake around 20 mins or until knife comes out clean

NOTE: In the photo I used carrots as well but I have omitted them because my children individually removed each strand and lay them languidly upon the table.

OTHER VEGETABLE HIDING I have tried, along with arbitrary statistics:

Sweet Potato Pancakes:

Stealth check: 2

Success rate: 1/3

The first time I made these, the whole family gobbled them up. The second time I made them I made two mistakes: I put in too much sweet potato and they didn't cook that well, and also the girl caught me putting in "tomatoes" and has refused to eat any pancakes of any kind since.

Zucchini Bread

Stealth check: 0

Success rate: 100%

I don't even have to pretend with these because I told them that the zucchini soaks up the chocolate chip flavor and enhances it. Also just call zucchini bread cake.

Butternut Squash Mac and Cheese:

Stealth check: 20

Success rate: FAIL

They had no idea there were veggies in this...and yet they screamed and cried and refused. It was too cheesy for the husband and I to eat much of and I threw most of it away.

Tomato Sauce

Stealth: meh

Success rate: MEH

At the time, the girl was eating pasta with tomato sauce if the sauce was on the side, had no chunks, and if she could dip her pasta in it like it was ketchup. SO I made scratch sauce with a TON of veggies and blended it in the blender while she wasn't looking because blenders are scary. The starch or whatever in the broccoli made the sauce slightly orange and not RED and she wouldn't eat it. I froze it and we grownups ate it for months. One of the grownups complained.

Brownies!

Stealth: 0 + extra witch cackling

Success rate: MMMM BROWNIES

Same idea as the muffins, but this brownie recipe has you use melted butter, so I just blended in as much spinach as I could and proceeded as normal. Can't taste the good stuff at all.

Have you noticed....none of these are ACTUALLY healthy? I know I didn't love veggies as a kid, and I know MOST little kids think veggies are poison...so...I dunno. I feed them...I try.

They're sensitive. They're not gonna eat:

- smooties (blenders...and scary colors)

- combined foods

- green things

- non-fruit orange things

- mac and cheese for some reason even though it was their main meal for the last two years

- meats...unless shaped like dinosaurs

SO WHATEVER. Maybe they'll grow out of it. Or maybe they'll grow up, get married, and their spouses will hide veggies in their food then, too (I've NEEEVERRR DONE THAT).

At least they're cute.