Friday, March 14, 2014

How Twilight Got it Right

My OB and I were joking about how, in the movies, people always have their water break and then they have like one contraction and then they go to the hospital and then they have a baby and that whole thing takes twenty minutes and how that's not realistic.  Realistic is that one feels progressively worse for a period of several weeks until one cannot take it any more and then one gets driven to the hospital and stays there for another day and they break your "bag of waters" (why is that such a weird and gross expression?) and then there's a baby.  And babies are adorable even if they're not the three month old cherubs portrayed on TV.

To quote Carrie Bradshaw, "I couldn't help but wonder..."

How do some of the movies get it right and wrong when it comes to the CREATION OF LIIIIIFE?  Like many people, pre-pregnancy, I did my research and re-watched or watched some movies to inform me about the subject.  Some of these movies are awesome and hilarious.  Some of these movies are youtube clips of episiotomies (don't do it).

In honor of the Oscars, here are my awards.  The...Bumpies.

Best Depiction of How Crazy Pregnancy Makes You Feel: Rosemary's Baby

How it's right: sometimes the hormones make you feel like the whole world is against you...that even your loving husband is in a coven sent to turn you into a gestational machine for it's own personal gain at the expense of your life.

How it's wrong:  Not positive, but pretty sure Booberry is not the antichrist.  She seems pretty cool so far.  Even though, DANG IT KID, it's time to be born (tomorrow is D day)

Most Quotable: Juno

How it's right: it's just FUNNY.  Because, yeah, Juno gets pregnant like our moms and teachers and is not super rosy colored about it.  (on the left: thank you to my sister for the awesome photoshopping).  Also, TEENAGERS: this is a good lesson on how easy it can be for your tiny, fertile bodies to get pregnant.  DON'T HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX unless you want a human.  Also the scene with JK Simmons in the hospital after she gives birth and gives up the baby (spoilers) makes my cry EVERY TIME.  And it heavily features a Toyota Previa which makes it cool.

How it's wrong: Some say it romanticizes teen pregnancy because Juno doesn't really have any terrible repercussions for her actions and her parents don't disown her or whatever...but whatever.  It's unrealistic because Jason Bateman plays a skeezeball and that's just never gonna fly.

Honorable Mention Most Quotable: Baby Mama

How it's right: Ok this might be too much info.  But there's this scene in the movie where the childbirth coach tells the characters to rub oil "down there" to prepare for the stretch of childbirth.  And Amy Poehler has a great line about just spraying some PAM down there.  SOOOOOOO, my phone app (see next award) mentioned this and I went down into the man cave and announced that the Doctor needs to "rub olive oil on my taint" (Tina Fey's line) and then he informed me that his microphone was on and his dental school buddy just heard that...

Also, this clip made me laugh SO HARD this last viewing:

"Just me and two fatties." is the part that gets me.  The Doctor is not fat...and people have said things to me like "I can't believe you're due next week, you're so small" and I'm like "TELL THAT TO THE SCALE! YOU LIIIIIIIAAAAR."  But yeah, I'm concerned about how much I feed Booberry and that she will be large and break me.  It's cool.  I love her.

How it's wrong: How could two women basically MISS first trimester?  Neither woman has any discernible morning sickness for like two months (Ok Tiny Fey has some stuff at the end but like eight weeks in!).  I started feeling like a lump about two days before the positive test and just kinda chalked it up to summer heat until I found out it was because the hormones were strong with this one.

Best Adaptation of a Phone App: What to Expect When You're Expecting.

How it's right: I am SOOOO Elizabeth Banks in this movie.  Throughout, she has every "normal," "textbook" pregnancy symptom and she keeps waiting for her glow (HINT: the glow is actually just sweat) and doesn't get it until she has the actual baby.

How it's wrong: the hilarious dad group is way too good to be true.  I wish the Doctor had a group of witty stroller dads to hang with.  Chris Rock is the ring leader (and has our same cool stroller).  Chris Rock is amazing in everything he does, even CRACKED OUT children's movies.

Best (worst) Picture: Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part I

First: why did I watch this movie?  I have no idea.  I'd read about a third of the first book because I thought I'd like it since I teach the young adults and HATED IT SO MUCH I'VE BEEN COMPLAINING SINCE about what a terrible role model Bella is and how awful everything about the book series is: the writing, the plot, the sparkly vampires.  So, for some reason I watched BD pt 1...maybe I missed Oregon that day.  


Here's how it's right;  How I felt yesterday can be (overly dramatically) summed up with this clip:

Ok, let's break this down:
1.  Bella gets pregnant by not using protection (TEENAGERS...SEE?!)
2.  Immediately the fetus starts to suck away her life force, leaving her a shell of who she once was.
3.  The baby breaks her spine and kills her
4.  The baby is a superhero and Bella is reborn as a vampire.

So my situation isn't quite as dramatic: basically the baby is nice and low now which is fantastic except she's sorta off balance or something because I went for a long walk yesterday in the beautiful sunshine and kinda can't walk now without shooting pain going through my right hip down my leg.  I spent the day yesterday watching movies, alternating between bouncing on the glorious yoga ball (who'd have thunk I'd like YOGA things) and snuggling with Ruby in a chair.  Ruby ONLY snuggles me when I feel like I'm dying.  The last time was during first trimester when I was too queasy to function and the time before that was when I had a migraine.  So I know I deserved sympathy.  She just follows me around, even when there's a vacuum (thanks, awesome husband) and gives me love.  Awwww....RUUUUUBY, you have no idea what's coming. 

The Doctor came home last night and brought me a heating pad which I greatly appreciated except it didn't work so he went BACK to the store and got me a fancier one and I've been wearing it since and also he convinced me to take some Tylenol so I'm feeling better now.  Still hobbling, but not weeping while I do it.  

Conversation I just had with the Doctor when I thanked him for making me feel better:
D: I feel like you are like Michael Scott on The Office when he burned his foot.  (episode recap: Michael burns his foot on a waffle iron and totally over-reacts, unable to function that day and requiring nursing)
Me: that is so mean.
D: Not because of the severity of your injury but because of your over thinking of pain medication.  He crushes advil into his oatmeal and then is like "Oh I feel the healing going into my foot."  That's you.
Me: So mean.
D: I mean, you being pregnant is nothing like Michael burning his foot.  I don't mean it like that...maybe this wasn't a good example.
Me: Thank you.  

How Twilight got it wrong: so many ways, of course.  But mostly because pregnancy makes Bella a skeleton and then she gets reborn a super hot (or at least that's what we're supposed to believe) vampire and she has NO weird post-baby pooch and her hair is MORE lustrous even though everyone knows pregnancy makes your hair lustrous and then it falls out in terrifying chunks after you give birth.  Also, Bella's pregnancy is accelerated and she only has to be pregnant for like a second whereas I, as of tomorrow, get to be pregnant for the full nine months plus overtime (looks like).  Everyone says ,"first babies are late" and then everyone tells you stories of how they had theirs like two weeks early and how fun and surprising it was.  Nope.  I get the full experience.  Screw you, Bella, for getting to pass out and miss the whole thing.  JK.  I don't want to die like Bella even if my sparkly husband can make me eternally nineteen after he EATS THE BABY OUT OF ME...ew wtf is wrong with Stephanie Meyers??

So, happy pi day everyone.  I'm going to go back on the yoga ball with my heating pad and bounce the day away because the good Doctor thinks I should just stay inside.  "Good thing our house has plenty of rooms for activities" I said.  To which he replied, "Because it is your prison..."

Thanks, love.  

No it's cool, he's cleaning.  

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