1. I have no pants.
All my pants seem to fit wrong. Too big too small to low too high to much crotch too much leg. They are never right.
2. No one lets me buy new pants
I just now tried to buy pants and I don’t know what it is about Nordstrom Rack, but my kids HATE the dressing rooms there and have had some epic crying jags. This time it was the boy baby and I picked him up finally, thinking he was hungry but he just looked at me in the mirror and smiled so BIG as if to say, “Mom I love you just the way you are…in your ratty, decade-old underwear and nursing sleep bra. I love your stress-sweat aroma and your fogged up glasses (from embarrassment). We are bessssst friiiiiends. Never let me go.”
3. Deep squats
All I do is bend down and pick things and people up. I don’t need my butt slipping out. I need something that works with me.
4. I could exercise at any moment
You never know. It could happen now. Or now. Or now. Or later. Or never.
5. My life is casual
I’m not rushing into formal meetings. I’m not teaching a seminar. I’m wiping people’s body parts and going to kids’ music classes.
6. I can buy them online
Unlike real pants which require a dressing room debacle in order to determine that they don’t look good, leggings look pretty much the same on everyone. Tight.
7. I can sleep in them
If I slept.
8. One compound word:
Moisture-wicking. For all the moist things that touch me with their moist little fingers and moist mouths.
9. Black is slimming.
So I’m told. Or at least hides stains like when I lift the stroller into my car in the rain and hit myself in the leg with the muddy tire.
10. Shaddup I want to be comfy gaddammmmit.
I’m already holding a twenty pound lump of open mouth baby kisses in one hand and wiping a newly-potty trained toddler with the other while deep squatting and covered in mysterious moisture while sleep-deprived at a Nordstrom Rack. I can AT LEAST be comfortable when I do it.