A Tale of Two Theme Parks

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

It has been a whole month since we got back from our Florida Experience and I feel I am perhaps ready to talk about it.

When I told people we were going to Disneyworld, the most common question I got was, "Why?"

I understand their confusion.

Why Florida? We live much closer to LA. And also...Florida.

Because we were invited to a wedding one hour away.

Why Disney AND Universal? Aren't our kids too little?

Because the adults wanna go to Harry Potter World DAGNAMIT!

Why YOUR children? They are....INTENSE AS FUUUUUUUUCK.

Because we are insane and I figure...now or never. They're not missing school, the boy is free in the parks, and they love Disney, Harry, Seuss, Spiderman, etc.

SO WE WENT FOR FIVE DAYS STRAIGHT TO THEME PARKS.

This was mistake...I know this now.

But, we had a package, you know. And I wanted my money's worth.

DAY 1: Saturday

Fly cross country with two children. They were adequately behaved. They did not sleep despite leaving the west coast in the dark and promptly fell asleep in the stroller in the airport.

Disney loves SYSTEMS. They have a SYSTEM for getting you from the airport to the resort and they have a SYSTEM for your luggage.

The system failed us. The airline lost our luggage.

As we bemoaned our fate to the Disney Magical Express customer service agent, I joked, "I guess it's neither magical nor express."

She straight up zig zag snapped at me and said, "OH! It's magical!"

Quote of the week right there.

Some guy named Craig or something at the resort tracked down our luggage.

Amazon Prime delivers to your hotel at the resorts. Except our prime delivery guy was new, so our groceries didn't arrive. THE SYSTEM FAILED US again!

We went to bed and spent $36 on breakfast the next morning since we didn't get Amazon to bring us cereal in time.

DAY 2: The Magic Kingdom

You may have noticed my children are not neurotypical. Well they didn't get those weirdo sensitivities from vaccines, let me tell you. Those are inherited traits, yes sir.

Collectively, we are sensitive to:
- heat
- noise
- crowds
- standing in lines
- waiting for things (separate issue)
- new foods
- new beds
- ANY CHANGE IN ROUTINE AT ALL

Plus we are white AF and are sensitive to...sunscreen, or sunSCREAM as the boy calls it.

Of course, Disney has a SYSTEM in place for people like us called the Disney Accessibility System. It's like a fast pass, but you get it in addition to the fast pass at Disney and in place of one at Universal (called Accessibility Pass there). With our DAS, plus the normal fast pass. we were able to ping pong around the park with minimal waiting and maximum Princess meeting ALL DAY LONG. We made it through the fireworks (which are amazing) and the kids fells asleep in the stroller on the way to the bus.

"Mission accomplished" said a woman as she passed us.

AND THEN THE GIRL STAYED UP UNTIL TWO AM.

Day 3: Epcot

It was on this day the boy started asking to go home.

"How about we go to Disneyworld instead?"

"I wanna go hoooooome!" He wailed every morning. We since decided to put him in full time daycare next year whether he needs it or not because the man loves structure. Like Disney, he wants things to be a SYSTEM.

Every day we were in Florida. the temperature went up approximately one to five degrees. Epcot was a good choice for day 2 because it has Arendelle, home of Anna and Elsa. Clad in her finest lightweight Elsa dress, the girl waited patiently without speaking until she met her heroes. She said nothing to them while the boy blathered on some of the following random thoughts that popped into his head:

"I drove a boat!" (Peter Pan ride yesterday)

"I like cookies!"

"There is a dinosaur!" (wrong theme park, buddy)

All the princesses are master improvisers and handled the children so incredibly genuinely and gracefully.

We did a half day in Epcot and hung at the pool.

DAY 4: Hollywood Studios

Hollywood Studios is mostly shows which is great when it's the exact temperature of the sun and it's day three of theme parks. The girl was asleep most of the morning, due to, again, staying up all night, and even slept through the Indiana Jones stunt spectacular which included gunshots and actual fiery explosions.

We left midday, had a siesta (well the boy did) and then went back for the Star Wars fireworks at night.

DAY 5: Universal

Here's where things went sideways.

We rented a car to go to Universal at this point. We also rented car seats to go with it. This created conflict. At one point, my clothes were drenched in sweat.

We got to the park. We got the Accessibility Pass.

All I care about is Harry Potter World. It is, of course. at the terminal point of the park.

BUT WE MADE IT.

AND IT'S EXACTLY LIKE THE MOVIE!

Which is to say magical AF and teeeeny tiiiiiiny English-sized stores and...Florida levels of crowds. BUTTERBEER IS AMAZING! We spent $288 dollars at the wand store. We RODE THE HOGWARTS EXPRESS! I cried.

The snow in Hogsmeade is weird when you're swimming in sweat.

The SYSTEMS that make Disney so magical work ALMOST but NOT QUITE as well at Universal. The "fast pass" line for the Flight of the Hippogriff ride isn't exactly fast. The children started attempting to climb the walls of their enclosure. The ride was fun and fast. And the girl started to lose it.

Universal, unlike Disney, which is more immersive, is commercialized up the wazoo and there is always music that is louder than necessary. It is visually and aurally stimulating. There are very few quiet corners, but the girl found one behind the Hogwarts castle. She asked for some quiet time and, when I checked on her, she was whispering into a pipe that lead into the castle...presumably to the Basilisk because she is the heir of Slytherin.

After the castle, we decided to leave. But we have to travel forever and ever to get back to the entrance. It is here that the girl had a five-alarm tantrum and tried to kill us all.

Bleeding from my chin, I carried her upside down to the car and strapped her in.

She stayed awake forever and ever and ever and ever that night.

DAY 6: Universal Again!

Why? Because I paid for a two day park hopper pass so we are going to park hop for two days and also I want to go on Jurassic Park because it's my favorite and also there's Seussland and also King Kong (the boy kept his father's hand clamped over his eyes the entire time), and blah blah blah.

It was one million degrees.

We made it a half day.

While in line for Spiderman, we were second in line when he went on break and NEVER CAME BACK. While the boy waited ever so patiently, the girl became possessed by Satan and I ended up strapping her into the stroller and parking her in a shady corner until the demon decided to vacate.

We abandoned our spot in the Spiderman line and left. As we were almost out of the loud, brightly colored Hell that is Marvel land, someone clapped me on the back.

"WHO THE FUCK IS TOUCHING ME I DON'T WANT TO BE TOUCHED EVER!" I thought, overstimulated by the blaring rock and roll and sweat in my eyes. I turned around. Spiderman bounded away from me, back to his post.

We will perhaps never meet Spiderman.

DAY 7: We went to the wedding we came here for and it was delightful. My kids just love weddings.

DAY 8: We went to the beach and it was great.

DAY 9: We went home.

The boy was perfect for half the flight. That is to say he was a caged banshee for only three hours straight. I heard a woman snickering to her flying companion about my child and I nearly screamed, "SAY IT TO MY FACE YOU MONSTER HE'S A HUMAN BEING HE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO SIT STRAPPED TO A CHAIR FOR SIX HOURS!"

But I didn't.

We made it home.

Life went back to normal.

In re-reading this, I feel very self-conscious that you will see me as entitled. I feel so lucky we had this opportunity. I feel so privileged to have gotten to do all this in a week. I do believe we will remember it fondly. But traveling with little kids is no joke and traveling with little sensitive creatures and two largish sensitive creatures is hard.

Some people go every year! I think we will wait. And maybe never go to Florida again. Maybe.

It is a far, far better thing that I do, that I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known.

Or something.