1. I have no pants.
All my pants seem to fit wrong. Too big too small to low too high to much
crotch too much leg. They are never
right.
2. No one lets me buy new pants
I just now tried to buy pants and I don’t know what it
is about Nordstrom Rack, but my kids HATE the dressing rooms there and have had
some epic crying jags. This time it was
the boy baby and I picked him up finally, thinking he was hungry but he just
looked at me in the mirror and smiled so BIG as if to say, “Mom I love you just
the way you are…in your ratty, decade-old underwear and nursing sleep bra. I love your stress-sweat aroma and your
fogged up glasses (from embarrassment).
We are bessssst friiiiiends. Never let me go.”
3. Deep squats
All I do is bend down and pick things and people
up. I don’t need my butt slipping
out. I need something that works with
me.
4. I could exercise at any moment
You never know.
It could happen now. Or now. Or now.
Or later. Or never.
5. My life is casual
I’m not rushing into formal meetings. I’m not teaching a seminar. I’m wiping people’s body parts and going to
kids’ music classes.
6. I
can buy them online
Unlike real pants which require a dressing room
debacle in order to determine that they don’t look good, leggings look pretty
much the same on everyone. Tight.
7. I can sleep in them
If I slept.
8. One compound word:
Moisture-wicking.
For all the moist things that touch me with their moist little fingers
and moist mouths.
9. Black is slimming.
So I’m told. Or
at least hides stains like when I lift the stroller into my car in the rain and
hit myself in the leg with the muddy tire.
10. Shaddup I want to be comfy gaddammmmit.
I’m already holding a twenty pound lump of open mouth
baby kisses in one hand and wiping a newly-potty trained toddler with the other
while deep squatting and covered in mysterious moisture while sleep-deprived at
a Nordstrom Rack. I can AT LEAST be
comfortable when I do it.
